The Degenerate's Guide Travelling

There are few experiences more enjoyable for myself than traveling. Now to the typical person traveling usually conjures up images of sightseeing and guided tours, however; to a degenerate such as myself the only sightseeing one really does is through a thick haze and usually by accident. People I have traveled with have often said that I don’t get the full experience of said location because I am not awake before noon. I like to disagree with that. Whats the difference between waking up to see the sunrise or not having gone to sleep yet? Well I’ll tell you, the later is much more enjoyable. How can one really say that they experience a country if they did not spend an hour attempting to befriend the dregs of a society in order to keep the party going. The truth is, for every country there are several realities that present themselves to the foreign traveler.

The first is the path of the tourist.

The path of the tourist is very similar to what you might expect your parents to accomplish while on vacation. Sight seeing is a must and unless you come back with a digital camera full of photos you feel like you somehow did not appreciate that country to the fullest. Anything that the concierge says is a “must” is in fact a must for this kind of traveler. Going off the beaten path is strictly prohibited as you may miss that once in a lifetime opportunity to take a photo of ‘the tallest tree in the north western Vermont” or any other natural phenomenon that has already been well documented and exhausted by the discovery channel.

Tacky souvenirs are mandatory. The more generic and mass produced the souvenir it is the more likely it is to strike a chord with the tourist. Take Mexico for example, hell take the Caribbean as well, all these locations have the token beach huts that sell wood carvings, t-shirts and other impulse purchases. Now you can go to Playa del Carmen and get a handcrafted ashtray with the city’s name engraved on it but if you travel 250 miles to the Dominican your gonna find a similar beach hut with an almost identical ashtray except with the town Punta Cana engraved instead. This is the ideal souvenir for the tourist. Any kind of humorous T-shirt also falls into this category. Something along the lines of “FBI (female body inspector), CANCUN MEXICO” also fits quite nicely into the spectrum of appropriate tourist gifts. Oh, and the Rasta hat with dreads if you’re in Jamaica.

The path of the degenerate

For the Degenerate your vacation starts before you even head to the airport. Picking the proper flight is crucial for any traveler and this is no different in the case of the degenerate. What is different is how the average traveler and the degenerate distinguish between what flight would be appropriate for them. The typical traveler likes to look at landing time, total time in the air, and number of stops as some of the most important factors when deciding on a flight. The degenerate on the other hand ignores most of these factors and instead focuses on which flight will be the biggest party. Now this usually translates into the degenerate traveler looking for a flight that leaves anywhere from 2-6 in the AM. This is for a few simple reasons, by leaving that early in the morning (or late at night as the DT looks at it) one is still able to go to their local bars and have a night out before heading to the airport. By going to the airport completely obliterated your almost guaranteeing yourself pain-free travel. For example, I was going to Turks and Caicos a few months ago so me and my traveling friends spent until 4:30 am drinking and smoking before heading to the airport.

Now once arriving at the airport we had to do the same thing that everybody else does: wait in line. As I struggled to maintain my balance inline, I remember looking around and seeing an ocean of depressed and tired faces surrounding me. Now here are me and my buddies. An oasis of joy and light in this vast desert terminal of darkness and despair. Sure everyone else probably thought we were obnoxious but what is important is that our memories of our wait in the airport are vague and lighthearted while your memories of the same line are clear, definite, and frustrating. Now I hate waiting for anything in life whether that be food, a checkout bitch at a clothing store, or a rollercoaster. If im gonna do something I hate, i might as well do it drunk so that way I know i accomplished something.

Next, in the adventure that is the flight to your destination, comes the stopovers. Your average traveler despises stopovers. They represent little but the time your not spending at your destination. The degenerate traveler on the otherhand, looks forward to the stopover. The stopover provides another bar for you to wet your palette at. Generally cheaper than the booze provided in flight the terminal bar often offers a comfortable seat and comfortable conversation with other alcoholics from all over the globe. And also, because you don’t have to go through any security at this point feel free to get absolutely obliterated. There is no better way to make a flight go quickly than getting BOD (black out drunk) because even if it is a long flight you wont remember it being so.

Once the Degenerate arrives at their destination and checks into their hotel or hostel, whatever it may be, the first step is to get familiar with their surroundings. It is very important to do this so that you don’t spend a couple hours at the end of your night and end up sleeping on a bench or inside a dumpster (hey, at least sheltered!) In order to familiarize themselves the Degenerate should go to all the bars in the neighbourhood and have a couple drinks. If you want any success finding your place hammered you better orient yourself to the area while drunk.

The next step for the Degenerate is finding a place to score. Let’s face it there is no better souvenir from a trip then mailing yourself back a little of the local flavour. For the Degenerate grabbing anything illegal should be very easy. In fact a real degenerate will be approached by someone as their debauched mannerisms and behaviour are a tell tale sign of someone who is either on drugs or looking to be.

Sampling local food and culture is an important aspect of anyone’s vacation but more important for the Degenerate traveler is the sampling of local booze and local women. The main things a Degenerate traveler does while abroad consist primarily of drinking and fucking. To be perfectly frank, that’s the reasons we go on vacation in the first place. Days are spent nursing hangovers and drinking beer while nights are spent engaging in depraved and villainous behaviour while trying to avoid being arrested by local authorities. Which brings us to the next point, a degenerate traveler should always carry a reserve stash of funds in order to grease the wheel of justice if needed.

A Degenerate traveler does not get caught up in the details of what their trip will consist of as the Degenerate traveler does not remember details.